


To Build A Home

by REVVIII



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Apocalypse, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Croatoans, Flashbacks, M/M, Nightmares, No angels, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Potential trigger warning, References to Depression, Self-Hatred, Trauma, my version of croatoans, no demons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-09-28 04:12:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10070948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/REVVIII/pseuds/REVVIII
Summary: It's the end of the world. Dean loves Cas and Cas loves Dean and they've promised each other forever together, but Dean's past - his losses, his crimes - haunts him as they struggle to keep hope in face of increasingly desperate circumstances.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a place where I feel at home  
> 'Cause, I built a home  
> For you  
> For me  
> Until it disappeared  
> From me  
> From you  
> And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust  
> -The Cinematic Orchestra
> 
> First fic I'm posting here! Might make a longer version but who knows if I'll ever get around to it...
> 
> The numbers at the beginning of each section are basically a countdown to the end, but the countdown is slightly out of order because of flashbacks and all. Short reference made to the infamous Twist and Shout.

**PROLOGUE**

– 3 months ago –

 

The figure that was once human – had been human just minutes ago – snarled and snapped its teeth, advancing with slow, deliberate steps towards him. Bloodshot hazel eyes burned with murderous, bloodthirsty rage. It foamed at the mouth, disease-ridden saliva dripping down its chin, its need to infect, to kill, consuming its mind.

He took a step back. “Please,” he begged. “Please don’t make me do this, please. Remember yourself! This isn’t you! Gabriel, please!”

The figure was not moved. It couldn’t understand the words. It began to charge, but it had only taken two steps when he raised his gun and fired. Once, cleanly through the heart. A quick, painless death. It fell soundlessly to the ground.

He let out a strangled cry and stumbled towards the fallen figure, sinking to his knees by its side. He knew he should be feeling something - shock, pain, anger. He should be devastated, but it was like he had shut down. It was like a dream.  _It's not real_ , he kept telling himself.  _It can't be real. Wake up, just wake up!_  

Numbly, he dialed a number on his phone. He didn't even realize he'd taken it out of his pocket until he heard a voice on the other end.  _Mechanical_ , he thought distantly.  _I've become a robot._

“Next place,” he heard himself say, still kneeling beside the body. Then he hung up without understanding the reply.

He stayed there for three hours.

When he brought the body back, he screamed. He put a hole in the wall. He didn’t bury it for three days.

 

 

 

**THIRTEEN**

 

Four men stood outside the ruined white house. The one second from the right, Dean Winchester, was holding hands with the man on the very right, named Castiel Novak. Dean called him Cas. Pretty much everyone except his mother called him Cas, actually, but it sounded special when Dean said it. Dean’s other arm was around his younger brother to the left, named Sam, upon whose shoulder leaned the man on the very left, Gabriel. Sam and Gabriel’s hands were intertwined, matching gold rings glinting in the weak sunlight.

“It’s been two years,” Dean murmured, to no one in particular.

“Yeah.” Sam sighed heavily, toeing the dirt as if he couldn’t bear to look at the house, couldn’t bear to face all the memories that lingered there. Memories of the good times, of before the outbreak, of before Adam went missing, of before their parents were killed by croatoans on their anniversary vacation.

No. That was wrong. Their parents weren’t actually killed. Croatoans are still technically alive. But they aren’t people anymore.

And just like that, the house wasn’t actually ruined. Its gutters needed cleaning and the hinges on its doors were rusty, but it was still a perfectly functioning house. No, the ruin was that this building, once a place of sanctuary and safety, was now an endless valley of pain, of knowing what once was but is now long gone.

But that didn’t matter, Dean told himself. Dean squeezed Cas’s hand gently and tightened his grip on his brother. A house was just a house. They grieved for it and grieved even more for their parents and youngest brother, but at least they still had each other, and they always would.

“Do you need a moment?” Dean heard Gabriel ask Sam quietly.

“I…yeah. Thanks,” Sam mumbled back. “Just a few seconds, if that’s okay.”

“Of course. We’ll wait for you in the car. Come on, Cas.”

Cas leaned up to kiss Dean’s jaw. “I love you,” he murmured.

Dean turned his head to catch Cas’s lips with his own, just briefly, before Cas joined Gabriel in the backseat of the Impala.

“I would’ve lived here with Gabriel,” Sam said, almost to himself. "Adam would be at college, Mom and Dad would've been gone out west like they always wanted to, and it would've been just us."

Dean allowed himself a small, sad smile. “Yeah. It would’ve been nice.” A few moments passed in silence. “But we’ll find some other place. I promise, Sammy. We’ll all be happy, we just got to make it through this. And we will. Together.”

Sam briefly leaned his head on Dean’s shoulder, which was slightly awkward because Sam was taller, but Dean didn’t care. He was Sammy’s big brother, and he had to take care of him.

“C’mon, Sammy,” he murmured after a while. “Let’s go.”

They joined Cas and Gabriel, and together, they kept going. Onwards, in the desolate wasteland that had once bustled with life but was now only marked by empty houses, they drove, the four of them together, surrounded by the gentle purring of the engine.

 

That’s how Dean wished it went. They did see the house, he and Cas. But in reality, the two matching gold rings didn’t exist. In reality, that brilliant white flame of hope was no more than a dying ember. In reality, they weren’t four anymore, they were two.

 

 

**FIFTEEN**

 

_Screams filled the air, of mothers crying for their children, of children crying for their mothers, of fathers yelling for each other to man up and grab whatever weapons they could find. The streets were filled with people and cars trying to get out. It was chaos, but one word permeated the confusion: croatoans._

_A government worker on a motorcycle was driving through the streets, and even though he was talking into a loudspeaker it was nearly impossible to hear him outside a fifteen-foot radius, which Sam happened to be in for just long enough to make out what he was saying. “All persons should proceed to the South Gate. I repeat: all persons should proceed to the South Gate. Please remain calm.”_

_There was no calm._

_Sam pushed through the people streaming in the other direction, looking around desperately for someone he knew. Dean and Gabriel had gone out earlier to get insect repellent with the chemical ethyl ester that the government claimed would ward off croatoans. They were supposed to be back at the house by now but they hadn’t been there when he checked fifteen minutes ago, so he’d gone back out to look for them. Had they left with the evacuation order?_

_No. He shook his head violently. They wouldn’t have. Not without him and Cas. They were late, that’s all. They’d gotten caught up in the crowds and it had taken them a little longer than they’d expected to get back to the house._

_He shoved past a family of six, dialing Cas’s number; the phone barely rang before it was picked up and a frantic voice answered._

_“Sam! Thank God; I was just about to call you. Where are you? I’m back at the house but they’re not here!”_

_Sam cursed. So much for that. “Have you tried calling them?” He had to yell over the screams around him._

_“Sam – Sam, you’re cutting out. Can you repeat that? Where are you?”_

_“I’m in the –” Sam broke off, dodging a young man sprinting towards him in a blind panic and ducking into a quieter alleyway. “I’m on Main Street but I’m headed back to you right now. I haven’t seen them out here either. Have you called them?”_

_“Yeah, but they’re not picking up.” Cas sounded desperate. “Sam, what if…?”_

_He’s lost everyone too, Sam thought. His cousin Samandriel, his brothers Balthazar and Michael, his sister Anna, his parents. They’d all been turned or had gone missing. Dean was all Cas had left._

_“No. No, they’re fine. They’ve probably just gone to your place already. That’s what we agreed to do in case this happened, right?” Sam swallowed his own panic, both for Cas’s sake and for his own. Gabriel and Dean were together; they’d be fine. They’d always been fine, and there was no reason for that to change now._

_“I called my house too. No one’s there.”_

_Sam cursed again. Okay, so they were still on their way there, he told himself, trying to calm down. “Alright, I’m headed to you in a few minutes. We’ll look for them in the car so get it running if you can, but then get back into the house and we’ll figure out what to do from there. Keys are on the counter.”_

_“Hurry. And be safe.”_

_Sam hung up and ran._

_Three miles away, Dean’s lungs were burning. His phone vibrated in his pocket but he couldn’t afford to pick up right now. It took everything he had to stay ahead of the croatoan._

_And fuck, what was he going to do once he got back to the house? How was he supposed to tell Sam that Gabriel was dead, killed saving Dean?_

_Gabriel’s voice rang in his ears. “Dean, move!” A moment later, a heavy weight pushed him aside and a cry of pain –_

_Dean shook his head violently, tossing the fresh memory aside. He’d deal with it later. Right now, he had to focus on keeping his legs moving. He made an abrupt right turn down a winding street, hoping it would throw the croatoan off his tail, but to his dismay, it did little to dissuade it._

_He just needed to gain a little more ground. Just a bit, just enough for him to be able to turn around and face it._

_He was strong. He could make it. He just needed to find a little hill._

 

 

**FOURTEEN**

 

Dean knelt and placed the pitiful bouquet of wildflowers carefully on the grave. “Sorry we couldn’t bury you back at Cas’s place,” he murmured. “Maybe…maybe later, when this whole thing’s over and the croatoans are gone…maybe we can do something about it then. Until then…rest easy, man. I love you.” He hesitated, and then pulled a pair of engraved scissors out of his pocket and put them next to the flowers. “I’ll leave these with you too. Meant to give them to you on your next birthday, but Cas and I have to leave this town now and we’re not sure when we can come back so I…I thought I’d just leave them with you now. Maybe, wherever you are, you’ll do your big brother a favor and actually cut your hair, okay?” He huffed a laugh. “I miss you more every day.”

His eyes were dry. It was like he had run out of tears.

He felt a soft touch on his shoulder and looked up to see Cas standing beside him.

“You okay?” Cas asked quietly.

Dean shrugged. “Is anyone ever okay after something like this?”

Cas’s mouth twitched and he said nothing.

No.

No one was ever okay after something like this. They both knew better than anybody.

“We should get going,” Cas said finally, gently. “It’s going to get dark soon.”

Mechanically, Dean stood. “We’re not going to survive this anyway. What’s the point?” But he took Cas’s hand and they returned to the Impala, driving onwards, onto the next of the last days of their lives.

 

 

**SEVENTEEN**

 

 – 2 years ago –

 

_“You know what would be nice? A stone house with a front porch. Yeah. That’s what I’d want. A house like the ones in all the stories with the front porch and a swing and a little garden. A place that feels like home.” Cas looked out the window as if his future was waiting for him outside. “And I think I’d want kids. That would be nice, right? Kids are fun.”_

_“You old romantic,” Dean teased._

_“What’s wrong with being romantic?” Cas turned back to him smiling and Dean felt like his heart stopped for a moment. “Sing to me, Dean. I want to dance with you.”_

_Dean snorted at the cheesiness of it but stood and held out his hand for Cas to take. “Can’t get any girls to dance with you so you settle for me instead, huh?”_

_Cas's brow furrowed. “What do you mean, 'settle?' Give yourself more credit, Dean."_

_"Alright, alright, c’mere.”_

_Beaming, Cas obeyed. Dean put his hand awkwardly on Cas’s waist, swallowing nervously and suddenly unable to meet Cas’s eyes. What was wrong with him? Cas was a friend, nothing more. He couldn’t be._

_“You’re not singing,” Cas said softly, a smile teasing his lips._

_Dean managed a laugh, biting down the awkwardness. “I…okay. I’ll sing.” He swallowed again and took Cas’s other hand in his. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.” He broke off, clearing his throat nervously. “Sorry. I usually don’t sing in front anyone.”_

_Cas’s laugh was like the summer wind. “Am I just anyone?”_

_A blush colored Dean’s cheeks. “You…no. You’re not just that. I, uh, sorry about the song. It was the first one that popped into my head. Maybe I should’ve picked Elvis or something.”_

_“Nah, I think it’s cute.” Cas smiled at him. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,” he prompted._

_“You make me happy when skies are gray,” Dean continued, softly and uncertainly, and they began to sway gently to the beat. Cas was leading, taking Dean’s other hand as he pulled Dean into the dance, and suddenly Dean was aware of Cas’s arm around his neck, suddenly aware of just how close they were._

_Cas was still smiling at him. “You never know, dear, how much I love you.”_

_“Please don’t take my –”_

 

 

**TWELVE**

 

They found a small town on the side of the main road. It was deserted, which meant that there were croatoans nearby, but it was a small town. That was good. A small town of croatoans was better than a city of them.

They found a store and a house within walking distance of it; without other people driving cars, they wouldn’t be able to drive the Impala anymore. The noise would attract croatoans, and while Dean knew enough to be able to hide the noise of his footsteps, there was nothing he could do to hide the noise of an engine.

The door to the house opened easily; whoever had lived there had probably left it unlocked in their panic to escape. Dean brought their belongings inside. Cas picked a room. Dean crashed on the bed and was asleep in minutes.

And that was how it went, for two months. Dean went out to the store once a week to get food and insect repellent. Cas stayed unhappily back at Dean’s insistence. They slept. Dean had nightmares, and Cas woke him up. They slept again. There was nothing else to do.

 

 

**ELEVEN**

 

Sam and Gabriel had been dating for over five years and Cas and Dean had been dating for just over a month when Sam and Cas had planned the picnic. Of course it was them. The romantics, always looking for the most ridiculous double-date ideas ever. Dean had just shaken his head in amusement when they presented the idea to him and Gabriel like a bunch of puppies.

“So where is this picnic?” Dean asked. “I hope it’s not far.”

Cas laughed at him. “No, it’s not far at all. It’s just down by the lake.”

“The  _lake_? That’s like, a mile away!”

Gabriel snorted a laugh, and Sam seemed to share in his sentiment. “Dean, are you kidding me? First of all, it’s not even a mile. More like three-fourths. Second of all, I run three miles every morning. Walking to the lake is nothing.”

Dean shook his head adamantly. “I’m not you, Sammy. My lazy ass is taking the car.”

Cas pouted. “Part of the fun was taking a walk. It’s such a beautiful day today, Dean! Don’t you want to take full advantage of it? The wind is blowing, the sun is shining, the bees are out…it couldn’t be better!”

His eyes were shining. His face lit up the room. Dean sighed in defeat. He could never win against Cas, and if he was honest with himself, he never wanted to. “Alright, alright. We’ll walk. But don’t blame me when y’all start getting sweaty and gross.”

“But that’s why we’re going to the lake!” Sam quipped. “We’ll wash it off afterwards.” He beamed at Cas. “This is such a great idea!”

 

And so Dean found himself sitting by the lake twenty minutes later, much less sweaty and gross than he’d expected to be. He leaned against a tree, munching on a sandwich and watching the waves of the lake splash gently against the shore while Cas lay with his head in Dean’s lap, reading aloud from  _Wuthering Heights_. Sam and Gabriel were cooling off further away in the lake, doing something fitness-related like swimming laps. Or aggressively making out. Whatever. Dean didn’t want to know.

Cas closed the book and put it down. “You’re not listening, Dean.”

“Huh? Oh. Sorry. I was –”

“Distracted,” Cas said with a smile. “I know. You’re always distracted, Dean. My sunshine.”

“That’s  _my_ line,” Dean protested.

Cas laughed softly, his eyes crinkling around the corners. “I know that’s your line. I’m your angel of sunshine, you said, and don’t I dare forget it. But you’re my sunshine too, Dean.”

Dean smiled down at him and ran his fingers through the soft hair. “I love you, Cas.” It was so easy to say. He didn’t want to stop saying it. So he said it again, and again, and again. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

“I love you so much,” Cas whispered. “It hurts my heart sometimes, how much I love you.”

Dean swallowed hard. “Don’t hurt yourself over me,” he said quietly, tracing the light stubble on Cas’s chin, forcing the words out even though it hurt, even though he knew that someday they might push Cas away, because it was true. Cas was like an angel, and Dean was just, well, not. “I’m not worth it.”  _I love you, and you love me, but if it hurts you, I’ll make it stop._

Cas sat up and blue eyes stared into Dean’s soul. “You are worth the entire universe and more,” he said seriously. “Don’t you ever forget that, Dean. You’re the best thing that will ever happen to me, and if it hurts my heart to love you, it’s worth it. So now let me tell you: you are worth more than you know, and don’t you dare forget it.” His face softened. “I’m yours forever, Dean, and nothing you say is going to make me change my mind, even though sometimes you make my heart hurt just by looking at me.”

 _Oh, Cas. I love you so much._ Dean closed the distance between them to kiss him. Cas’s lips parted slightly in surprise and his cool breath ghosted over Dean as he made a small noise in the back of his throat, shifting closer to him.

“I’ll kiss it better, then,” Dean murmured. He mouthed down Cas’s neck, nipping the sensitive skin where it joined his shoulder. Cas shivered and said something that sounded vaguely like Dean’s name, bringing a smile to Dean’s face. His hands were on Cas’s hips, holding Cas close to him, and moved up to unbutton his shirt, pulling it apart to reveal smooth, tanned skin and –

Dean recoiled. “Cas, what the fuck?”

Right over his heart was a deep gash. Blood seeped from it and black veins splayed from its center in a star of poison. He looked up to Cas’s face and found himself looking at a starved figure, more skeleton than human. How could he have missed that?  _It was in his eyes,_ he realized. His eyes that were still so kind, so loving, so blue. Dean had been staring into them for so long that he’d missed how the rest of Cas was dying.

“It hurts my heart sometimes,” Cas whispered. “But it’s okay. Kiss me, Dean. I love you.”

 

Dean jerked awake, heart pounding, a sheet of sweat covering his body. The dream was already fading but the terror of it still lingered. Skin stretched tight over bone. Graying, flaking skin. A skeleton face with two blue, blue eyes staring into his soul.

Cas, poisoned, dying, from his love for Dean.

No.

He took a deep, shaky breath. Cas was okay, he told himself. They were both okay. They were going to be fine.

Gradually he became aware of the smell of oatmeal drifting in the air; Cas must already be downstairs, cooking breakfast. Dean pulled on his jeans and headed to the kitchen, greeting Cas – shirt unbuttoned, revealing an unmarked, if slightly bony, chest – before heading to the closet to take inventory of what they still had and what they would need to pick up sometime in the next few days. And mostly to take a moment to himself.

“We need more of that insect repellent,” Dean announced, his voice slightly muffled behind the door.

“We need a lot more things,” Cas answered wryly. “Such as good food, clean water, the knowledge that we’re safe…” He shook his head. “Nah, never mind. Sorry. Optimism, right?”

Dean poked his head out of the closet and managed a smile. It didn’t reach his eyes. How could it, when Cas looked like this, sounded like this? Life had sucked the innocence out of him, and Dean loved him more than ever, and hated himself for not being able to protect him. For not being able to protect anyone.

The Cas in his dream had been right. Whoever loved Dean died. It was poison to love him.

“I’ll go get some at noon,” Cas offered.

“No fucking way. I’m going. And I’m not changing my mind.”

“You don’t have to go,” Cas said quietly.

Dean raised an eyebrow. “Unless you can make some of that ethyl ester shit right here, I do. That’s the only thing we know that gets rid of croatoans, and that insect repellent is the only thing we know that has it.”

Cas’s eyes were downcast and his shoulders hunched. “I know, I know. I just…I’m worried about you, and the thought of you going out there all alone…”

“Hey.” Dean smiled gently. “I’ll be okay. I promise. I’ll come back.”  _Although maybe it would be better for you if I didn’t._   _No! Stop!_ He dug his nails into his palm to stop that train of thought. It was a dream; nothing more. A nightmare, a return of his old thoughts. Cas had loved away his self-hatred long ago. He was sure of it.  _Wasn’t he?_

“I…can I come with you?”

“Cas, it’s dangerous.”

Blue eyes flashed. “And it’s not when you’re going? I love you, Dean. I can’t just sit back on my heels while you do all of this for us.”

Dean flinched.  _It hurts my heart sometimes, how much I love you._

Those words had been real. His dream had been real. For the most part, at least, and that’s what scared him. They’d gone on a picnic, Sam and Gabriel had swum in the lake, Cas had read to him, and Dean had kissed Cas until they were both breathless. Kissed his unmarked chest, his unpoisoned heart. Or maybe it was poisoned, just below the surface where Dean couldn’t see.

Cas saw his reaction. “Dean? Dean, I’m sorry, what did I say?” He had concern written all over his face.

“I – nothing. Nothing. Just a bad dream.”

Cas hummed and came over, putting his arms around Dean and resting his chin on Dean’s shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Loving him was poison.

Dean let him hold him.

 

 

**TEN**

 

_Dean’s lungs were burning. His phone vibrated in his pocket but he couldn’t afford to pick up right now. It took everything he had to stay ahead of the croatoan._

_And fuck, what was he going to do once he got back to the house? How was he supposed to tell Sam that Gabriel was dead, killed saving Dean?_

_Gabriel’s voice rang in his ears. “Dean, move!” A moment later, a heavy weight pushed him aside and a cry of pain –_

_Dean shook his head violently, tossing the fresh memory aside. He’d deal with it later. Right now, he had to focus on keeping his legs moving. He made an abrupt right turn down a winding street, hoping it would throw the croatoan off his tail, but to his dismay, it did little to dissuade it._

_He just needed to gain a little more ground. Just a bit, just enough for him to be able to turn around and face it._

_He was strong. He could make it. He just needed to find a little hill._

_The park, he thought belatedly. Just half a mile away. There was a small rocky hill. If he could just get on top of that, buy himself some time while the croatoan struggled up the rocks Dean had climbed countless times…_

_He risked a glance over his shoulder and cursed. He wouldn’t make it. The croatoan was too close, and he was tiring rapidly. Even if he made it to the hill, he –_

 

“Dean!”

Dean jerked back into the present. Cas was looking at him worriedly across the island counter, holding out Dean’s jacket.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Just thinking.” He took the faded jacket and slipped it on. He clipped his gun to his belt.

Cas didn’t look completely convinced, but he let it drop. “Are you ready to go?”

Dean blinked several times. “Go…yeah. Yeah, I’m ready. Sorry.”

“I could go alone if you don’t feel up to it,” Cas said quietly. “You need to get out of your head, Dean. You won’t last like this.”

“You’re not going alone,” Dean insisted. “I’m fine. We’ll go together.”

 

They left the house cautiously, Dean casting a look of regret at the Impala they could no longer drive. Some part of him, deep where despair hadn’t yet reached, wished the government would help them like it had tried to do just months ago, rounding up survivors and taking them to the safety of the capitol. He had no idea if the capitol even existed anymore. He guessed it did, if the planes that flew overhead every few days was any indication. But the planes never landed. They just bombed.

 

The short walk to the nearly empty store was uneventful. Dean had come often enough to know where most of the croatoans resided during the day and how to best avoid detection.

The way back was when the trouble started.

A plane droned directly overhead. Dean’s heart pounded for a moment before his mind caught up with him and his brief excitement faded quickly to nothingness. He knew better than to hope, and a few moments later, miles away, the plane dropped bombs as expected. The explosions rocked the ground. Dean and Cas kept walking. They barely looked up, even as the distant screams from burning croatoans reached their ears. Neither of them spoke about how they had taken the last of the repellent on the shelves.

They had made it about halfway back to the house when Dean heard it: low growling and footsteps. He whirled around, gun raised, and saw that Cas had done the same, whipping out his knife. Dean cursed; the explosions were probably what had woken the croatoans from their usual daytime doze. They were on the last of their ammo and there wasn’t anywhere they could replenish their supply, and he prayed they wouldn’t have to use it.

“Get behind me, Cas,” he hissed. A moment later, four croatoans stepped out of the shadows.

They had five bullets, and they couldn’t afford to miss.

“Shit,” Dean spat. “Run.”

At the same time, Cas screamed, shoving him aside. “Dean, get down!” Dean felt his gun wrenched from his hand. He heard a gunshot. His mind fled.

 

_“Dean, move!” A moment later, a heavy weight pushed him aside and a cry of pain reached his ears._

_Gabriel._

_Dean pushed himself upright and shook his head hard to clear it, his eyes widening with horror as he saw a croatoan sinking its teeth into Gabriel’s neck._

_Gabriel’s neck. It should have been Dean’s._

_“Gabriel!” Dean yelled. He raised his gun and shot the croatoan cleanly through the head. He did not think about how it was once a human being. It was a creature, less than an animal. It fell soundlessly, and Gabriel sank to his knees._

_“No no no, Gabriel, please, no!” Dean crawled over to the other man, whose eyes were glassy and mouth slightly open in shock. Dean shook him violently. “Gabriel, answer me!”_

_Slowly, the hazel eyes turned to meet Dean’s, and he suddenly seemed to realize where he was._

_“Get off of me!” He pushed Dean away and scrambled away from him. “Don’t touch me. Stay as far away from me as possible.” There was panic in his voice._

_“Gabriel, what are you talking about? I’m trying to help you.” Dean reached for him again but Gabriel shrank away. Dean refused to understand. Gabriel was fine, right? The bite had been an illusion. He wasn’t infected. Right?_

_“No! Get away from me. Run, Dean.” His eyes widened. “I’m changing,” he whispered, and the terror in his eyes tore at Dean’s heart. “No no no no! I’m changing!” He looked around wildly, his eyes finally settling on Dean’s gun. “Kill me, Dean, please! Please, I can’t become one of them!”_

_Dean took a step back. He shook his head, his blood freezing. “I can’t…I’m sorry, I…”_

_“Please,” Gabriel begged. “I’m changing, and then I’m going to forget, and then I’m going to try and kill you and Sam and Cas and God knows who else, and I can’t do that! I can’t, please, Dean, you can’t let me! You have to kill me!”_

_Dean couldn’t._

_Gabriel changed, and Dean ran._

_Dean’s lungs were burning._

 

 

**NINE**

 

Dean lay as if in a daze, five Croatoan bodies littered around him, their last five bullets in each of them. Cas was bent over him, shaking him, calling his name as Dean sobbed, mumbling unintelligible things.

“Dean, please, answer me! We have to go. More of them will come, we have to get back.”

Dean slowly turned his head to face Cas. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

Cas frowned in confusion, but he didn’t ask any questions. “Come on, Dean. We have to go.” He pulled Dean to his feet and supported him as they staggered back towards the house. “Almost there, Dean, okay?” he said encouragingly. “We’re almost there.”

Dean didn’t remember anything after that.

 

Somehow, they both made it back. Cas had kept hold of the insect repellent and sprayed it around the house before going back inside and sitting on the couch next to Dean, who was slowly coming back to himself.

“You okay?” he murmured.

Dean turned to face Cas. “I’m so sorry, Cas,” he whispered again. His head dropped. “And Sam, and Gabriel…I’m so, so sorry.” His hands shook and his breath caught in his chest.

“It’s alright, Dean, it’s okay. I’ve got you,” Cas soothed.

“No! No, it’s not okay…I’m so sorry. I should’ve…I should’ve done more…and if I hadn’t been so blind, if I’d just  _noticed_  it…”

Cas cupped his face gently. “Talk to me, Dean.”

Dean shook his head. “I tried, Cas. They don’t think. They can’t. I tried, Cas, I really did!” He looked up at Cas, his eyes glistening. “I tried to get him to remember Sam but I couldn’t, because they don’t think.”

 

_He was strong. He could make it. He just needed to find a little hill._

_The park, he thought belatedly. Just half a mile away. There was a small rocky hill. If he could just get on top of that, buy himself some time while the croatoan struggled up the rocks Dean had climbed countless times…_

_He risked a glance over his shoulder and cursed. He wouldn’t make it. The croatoan was too close, and he was tiring rapidly. Even if he made it to the hill, he wouldn’t be able to climb it fast enough for his feet to be out of reach when the croatoan made it to the base._

_He headed for the hill anyway, and stopped and turned in front of it._

_The figure that was once human – had been human just minutes ago – snarled and snapped its teeth, advancing with slow, deliberate steps towards him. Bloodshot hazel eyes burned with murderous, bloodthirsty rage. It foamed at the mouth, disease-ridden saliva dripping down its chin, its need to infect, to kill, consuming its mind._

_He took a step back. “Please,” he begged. “Please don’t make me do this, please. Remember yourself! This isn’t you! Gabriel, please!” He took another step back and felt the rocks at his back. “Gabriel, please, try to remember! Sam, just think of Sam! You said you were going to ask him to marry you, remember? And you were going to have a house together, and a dog! Remember, Gabriel? You and Sam? Gabriel, please!” His voice rose in panic._

_The figure was not moved. It couldn’t understand the words. It began to charge, but it had only taken two steps when he raised his gun and fired. Once, cleanly through the heart. A quick, painless death. It fell soundlessly to the ground._

_Three hours later Dean had made it to the next place. He’d stumbled into Cas’s house with the body in his arms. The body with the perfect hole in its chest. He was killed, Dean had said hollowly to Sam’s screams and Cas’s stunned silence. He’d turned, and he got shot._

_It wasn’t a lie._

_It wasn’t the truth._

_He couldn’t tell Sam the truth._

Comprehension dawned in Cas’s eyes. “Oh,” he breathed, drawing back slightly.

Dean’s eyes were glistening but his face was stone. “Yeah. I killed Gabriel.”

 

 

 

**EIGHT**

_“You’re not singing,” Cas said softly, a smile teasing his lips._

_Dean managed a laugh, biting down the awkwardness. “I…okay. I’ll sing.” He swallowed again and took Cas’s other hand in his. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.” He broke off, clearing his throat nervously. “Sorry. I usually don’t sing in front anyone.”_

_Cas’s laugh was like the summer wind. “Am I just anyone?”_

_A blush colored Dean’s cheeks. “You…no. You’re not just that. I, uh, sorry about the song. It was the first one that popped into my head. Maybe I should’ve picked Elvis or something.”_

_“Nah, I think it’s cute.” Cas smiled at him. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,” he prompted._

_“You make me happy when skies are gray,” Dean continued, softly and uncertainly, and they began to sway gently to the beat. Cas was leading, taking Dean’s other hand as he pulled Dean into the dance, and suddenly Dean was aware of Cas’s arm around his neck, suddenly aware of just how close they were._

_Cas was still smiling at him. “You never know, dear, how much I love you.”_

_“Please don’t take my –”_

_Dean broke off at the sound of snickering coming from the closet, followed by a hastily and loudly whispered “shhh!”_

_It only took a second for him to realize what was going on. “Oh, fuck, man,” Dean groaned. “Sammy, please don’t tell me you’re in there.”_

_A few moments of silence ensued. Dean rolled his eyes, dropping his hand from Cas’s waist only a lot unwillingly and striding across the room, flinging the closet door open._

_Two pairs of wide eyes stared back at him, one sunflower, one hazel._

_“What the…Sammy? Who’s this?”_

_Sam’s face was completely red. “I, uh. Gabriel, this is my brother Dean. Dean, Gabriel.”_

_“What the fuck are you doing in the closet?”_

_Sam’s face turned redder and he couldn’t meet Dean’s eyes. “We, um. Uh…well, Gabriel was visiting and we were in here, and you weren’t supposed to be home for a while, but then we heard you and just kind of…hid in here…” He trailed off awkwardly._

_“You a friend of Sammy’s?” Dean asked Gabriel, who was basically sitting on top of Sam._

_“We’re dating. We have been for five years. Is that an issue?”_

_It was an unmistakable challenge. Dean raised an eyebrow, not particularly intimidated by the slight five-foot-something but mildly impressed at the man’s courage; Dean wasn’t the easiest person to mouth off to. “Not bad. Damn, I knew Sammy had been seeing_ some  _guy for years but I never got introduced. Nice to finally meet you. Just…find a room, you two. And_ not  _a closet.” He heard Cas snickering behind him and shot him a good-natured glare before turning back to his brother._

_Sam was staring at him. “So you knew? And you’re…you’re not mad?”_

_Dean snorted. “Of course I knew; I’m your brother! And mad? You fucking kidding me? You thought I’d be mad? What did you think I’d do, Sammy, kick you out of the house?” He laughed. “Nah. The only thing I’m ever going to do about it is kick you out of the room right now. Live your life, man. You’re still the same person to me. And you, Gabriel, you take good care of my brother and you’re always welcome here.”_

 

Sam didn’t need a house to live in anymore. Neither did Gabriel. The end of the world had taken them both.

**SEVEN**

 

One month later, and the bombed town was still burning.

 

 

– 1 month after Gabriel –

 

_“Fuck it, Cas, let’s get married,” Dean announced loudly while they munched on their pitiful dinner consisting of a few small, barely salted boiled potatoes and lukewarm tap water._

_Cas choked on his potato. “What?”_

_Sam snorted, completely unfazed and unsurprised but at the same time, not the least bit impressed. “That has got to be the most_ pathetic _proposal I’ve ever heard.”_

_Cas blushed. “I kind of like it,” he mumbled. “It’s very Deany.”_

_Sam snorted again and took a large bite of potato, looking dismayed as a third of his dinner vanished with that one bite and then shaking his head in resignation. “Weirdos.”_

_“That’s why we’re getting married,” Dean pointed out._

_“Cas hasn’t said yes yet,” Sam countered._

_Cas looked deeply affronted. “Of course I say yes! Who do you think I am?” He shook his head in mock shame, and Dean laughed._

_They were married in the church the next Thursday. They didn’t know the exact process of traditional marriage and couldn’t find a book anywhere that talked about it, and besides, they didn’t want to be out there too long. Croatoans were still a very real threat._

_So Sam just made up some words and then they just whispered “I do” to each other, followed by Cas murmuring into Dean’s ear, “Forever yours. Forever mine. Forever, always, together.” Then they kissed and giggled like children as Sam rolled his eyes and threw dead leaves into the air around them as makeshift confetti._

_“Congrats, Winchesters.”_

_“You too,” Dean wanted to say. He should’ve been able to. In another universe, maybe he did. But no one said Gabriel’s name anymore. He hung heavy between them, an unspoken secret whose body was known only by Sam, whose death was known only by Dean._

_“And so the angel married the squirrel,” he said instead. His heart hurt a little as he said it, the nickname their grouchy old neighbor with his grouchy old dogs had given him. Dean wondered what had become of him._

_Sam attacked them with a hug, holding them tight before letting go and heading back to the house. “Come on, lovebirds. Let’s not die out here because you’re too wrapped up in each other.”_

_Dean turned to Cas and kissed the top of his head. He wasn’t much taller than Cas so he had to stand on his toes and crane his neck to do so, and he could see Cas’s blush when he pulled away. “When the government comes and saves us, we’ll get officially married,” he promised quietly as they headed out._

_Cas just smiled up at him. “It’s already official to me,” he said, and Dean thought he would drown in the blue of his eyes._

_“I’ll build the house for us,” Dean said. “Remember? You told me you wanted a stone house with a swing on the front porch and a garden. A place that feels like home.”_

_“Anywhere feels like home with you, Dean.”_

_Dean kissed him. “But we’ll need a home for our kids, right? You said you wanted kids. A boy and a girl, what do you think? That would be great, right? The government will come save us and we’ll be able to adopt two kids, and then we’ll plant a tree for each of them.”_

 

Dean dreamed about that day sometimes. Those were Dean’s favorite dreams, and he always woke from them more in love with Cas than he had been before. Those days were rare good days, small moments of sunlight in the storm that was their lives.

He rolled over to face his husband. “I love you, Cas,” he mumbled, half into the pillow.

Dean hadn’t meant to wake him, but they slept lightly now and even his muffled whisper was enough to pull Cas from his dreams. Cas didn’t seem to mind though, opening a sleepy eye and smiling back at him. “I love you, Dean.”

Dean shifted closer and kissed Cas’s nose, running his hand lovingly through Cas’s hair. It was too long now, like his own, and hung well past his ears. It was poison to love him.

“It feels like the old summer days again,” Cas murmured, “when we were lazy and didn’t want to do anything, so we just stayed in bed and fucked all day.”

“I wouldn’t be averse to doing that today,” Dean whispered. The store was out of insect repellent. When their supply in the closet ran out, so did their days. It wasn’t something they talked about, but it was something they were both very aware of. It was poison to love him, but it didn’t matter anymore. The poison would kill slower than life would, and Dean wanted to spend as much time with Cas before life took him away.

So they made love that day, Cas fucking Dean into the mattress hard and fast and rough like he liked it and collapsing on top of him when he was done, thin and dirty and sweaty but still the most beautiful thing Dean had ever seen in his entire life. His mouth was on Dean’s and his hand between Dean’s legs, pulling noises from Dean’s throat that he’d forgotten he could make, and as Dean coiled heat released and Cas lay on top of him, their hearts beat out a staccato rhythm in the chaos that was the world around them.

For a moment, for just a moment, it felt like home.

Dean smiled into Cas’s neck. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,” he mumbled sleepily.

When Cas spoke, Dean wasn’t sure if it was a dream or not, but if it was a dream, it was a good one, and he decided to let himself drift.

_“You make me happy when skies are gray...”_

**SIXTEEN**

_Just less than two years ago, things were so different. The skies were still blue, the grass was still green, hope was still blooming._

_Just less than two years ago, they were sitting next to each other, Cas reading a book, Dean watching him read and singing absentmindedly. His mind had gone back a few weeks ago to when they’d caught Sammy and Gabriel in the closet and he and Cas had danced, their chests pressed together, while he sang this same song._

_“You never know, dear, how much I love you. Please –”_

_“I love you,” Cas blurted out, and Dean stopped. Cas looked rather embarrassed, but his eyes were serious. “I love you,” he repeated._

_“I…” Dean trailed off, his eyes widening. “Cas, what?”_

_Cas looked at him defiantly. “I love you, Dean.”_

_Dean was quiet for a very long time._

_“Shit,” Cas murmured. “Please don’t tell me I just ruined everything.” His voice was small._

_Cas loves me, Dean thought. Castiel Novak loves me. Me!_

_Dean turned to him, a smile spreading over his face. “Ruined? The fuck you mean, Cas?” He shook his head, still smiling. Gently, he touched Cas’s cheek, letting out a soft laugh when Cas’s lips parted in surprise. “You didn’t ruin anything,” he murmured, lessening the space between them ever so slightly._

_“D…Dean?”_

_“Can I kiss you?” Dean asked, his voice barely more than a breath._

_Cas’s eyes glowed. He leaned forward, pressing his lips to Dean’s, his book forgotten, his hands in Dean’s hair, holding him close, pulling away for just a moment to say, “Dean, you can kiss me forever.”_

_“Okay,” Dean whispered, his voice muffled by Cas’s lips. “I’ll kiss you forever.”_

 

 

**SIX**

 

The next morning saw a nightmare.

A little girl screamed for her mother. Panic shot through Dean and he sprinted around the street corner to see his brother headed towards her.

“Sam!” he yelled. “Sammy, no! Stay away from her!”

Sam ignored him, or maybe he didn’t hear him, but he didn’t stop.

“Sam!”

Dean couldn’t move. It was like he was running through mud up to his chest. But the mud only affected him; Sam was still headed towards the little girl, his stupidly big heart taking over his ridiculously large brain for the umpteenth time. He was going to die, and Dean couldn’t save him.

_You promised you’d take care of him. You promised!_

Dean couldn’t save him.

_“Sam!”_

 

A different voice entered Dean’s dream, calling his name. The world shook, and a moment later he opened his eyes. He was tangled in the sheets.

Cas was shaking him gently. “Dean, wake up. It’s alright. It was just a dream.”

The girl was still screaming. No – Dean realized, it was just the wind. There was a storm howling outside. Dean’s heart was still pounding, but gradually it slowed to something resembling normal. “Cas?” His voice was hoarse and unsteady.

“It’s me. I’ve got you, Dean,” Cas murmured. “It’s okay.”

Dean curled into Cas’s embrace, breathing in his scent, allowing his shaking to stop.

“What happened?” Cas asked softly. “You…you were kicking all over the place and yelling Sam’s name. Telling him to stay away from someone.” His breath caught slightly. “Was it…was he dying?”

“I…yeah. You know those nightmares you always wake me up from? I keep dreaming about his death. Keep trying to stop it. It’s either that or…or Gabriel. But it’s mostly Sam.”

It was amazing how easy it was to talk about it now. Dean wondered if that made him a bad person, for not being able to feel pain about it anymore.

Cas was silent. He didn’t react except to rub soothing circles into Dean’s shoulder, letting him know that he was there for him, that he would be his anchor.

Dean spoke again a few minutes later. “There was this little girl. Her mom…she was being attacked by some men. Other survivors of the virus, I guess. The girl was screaming, and Sam…he went to help her. He wasn’t paying attention…one of the men stabbed him.”

_Sam’s breath left him in a quick exhale as he stared down in vague surprise at the knife protruding from his chest. “Dean?” he whispered. The knife was wrenched from his back and his legs gave out beneath him._

“He was dead within seconds.”

_Dean screamed. “Sammy! Sammy, no!” Dean shook him. He didn’t know how Sam ended up in his arms. Dean must have caught him when he fell, but he didn’t remember running over. The running didn’t matter, just that his Sammy was safe. “Hey, Sammy, you’re okay. You’ll be okay, Sammy, I promise, I said I’d take care of you and I will, okay?” His voice was shaking. This couldn’t be real. “I’m your big brother and I’m going to take care of you. We just gotta patch you up and you’ll be good as new, right? You’ll be fine, we’ll just…we’ll…” He broke off. Sam wasn’t breathing._

_His vision was blurry. Odd, since he’d never had trouble seeing before, except when he was crying. Was he crying now? Was that why? But why was he crying? Sammy was alive. He had to be. He was alive, he was –_

“I didn’t even get to say goodbye. Well, I did, he just couldn’t hear me anymore.”

 _He was holding his brother to his chest as if that would put him back together, his face pressed into his brother’s shoulder. “It – it’s okay, Sammy, you just let go now, okay? Gabriel’s waiting for you up there.”_ This isn’t happening. _“Don’t be scared. Don’t be scared, Sammy, your brother’s got you. You’re safe now. You don’t have to hurt again, just let go. It’s alright.”_ This can’t be happening. _He was rocking back in forth. In agony, he supposed an outsider might say, but he couldn’t feel it._

“Then the men…I killed them.”

_He’d held his brother close and screamed. He didn’t know how he found the men who had killed his brother, but he did, and he fought them. Blood spattered across his face, some of it making it into his mouth through his vengeful snarl._

“I knew it wouldn’t do anything to bring Sammy back, but I…I couldn’t just let them get away after doing something like that.”

_“Please let me go, I’m sorry! It wasn’t me who killed him!”_

_Dean swung his knife. The man lifted a hand to block his face, so Dean’s knife went through his palm into his eye socket._

“Even the ones who didn’t have knives. Even the ones who didn’t fight him.” Dean shook his head, feeling numb. He let out a humorless laugh. “I was right there and I couldn’t save him.” He sat up, and Cas let go of him.

“It wasn’t your fault, Dean,” he said quietly.

Dean curled his lip. “I’m his brother. It was my job to protect him, like it was my job to protect Adam. And I failed at both.” He was silent for a few moments again before speaking. “We should go out today. The rain will make it harder for the croatoans to find us, and we’re running low on food again.”

“It’s a lightning storm. It’ll be dangerous.”

“I’d rather get struck by lightning than die of starvation.”

Cas tilted his head. “Fair point. But I’m coming with you again.”

“Cas –”

“Don’t fight me, Dean. I know you don’t want me to come. But have you thought about how I felt every time you told me to stay here and headed out yourself? Do you think I can bear it any longer?” Cas’s voice was pained.

_I went out alone with Gabriel and he died. I went out alone with Sam and he died. Have you thought about what it would do to me if the same happened to you? It would kill me, Cas._

_Then again, maybe that’s a good thing._

_It’ll happen eventually anyway._

Dean hesitated and then nodded. “Okay. We’ll go together.”

 

 _It wasn’t raining, but there were raindrops on Sam Winchester’s face._  

 

 

**FIVE**

 

There wasn’t any point to going out, really. Lightning struck a tower next to the store, and a fire sprung up instantly, devouring the surrounding buildings by the time Cas and Dean arrived. Dean tried to be surprised at how emotionless he felt.

“We’ll need another food source,” Cas murmured.

“What’s the point? The repellent is going to wear off and we can’t get any more. We’ve got three days at most to live.”

“We could try to get out.” Cas didn’t sound hopeful. They were just empty words, said to fill the silence, to pretend that there was hope left in the world.

Dean answered anyway, and his voice was hollow. “And go where? The world is ending, Cas. There’s nowhere left to go.”

 

 

**FOUR**

 

Cas was ill the next day. It was terrifying, how quickly it had come on. Or maybe Dean just hadn’t noticed the signs. It was poison to love him, after all. Poison acted quickly sometimes. Dean sat by his side for hours, talking to him even though he was unconscious and most of his words would probably never reach him, because they had just days left together and Dean wanted to spend every moment with him.

“Just hold on, Cas, alright? Hold on. I…I know I said there’s nowhere to go, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” Dean’s voice broke. “You always gave me hope, Cas, and now I have to give it to you. We’ll make it. I don’t know how, but we’ll find a way. We always have, as long as we have each other, and I’m not leaving you, so you’d better not be leaving me.” He took Cas’s hand and kissed it gently, his heart aching at how thin it was.  _Don’t let me lose you too._

It was poison to love him.

“Remember the good times, Cas? We’d sit in the shade of the oak tree and talk about anything in the world. And – and that one day in the summer, we baked a pie. It tasted terrible, but I wouldn’t have changed it for anything. And remember when I taught you how to shoot? You were so against it at first, but look at how good you got. You saved my life, Cas, with those croatoans.

“And remember when we got married? God, it feels like lifetimes ago. We said we’d build a house together, for just the two of us, and Sammy too, of course, for when he wanted to visit. Sammy’s gone now, but he’s happier up there with Gabriel. But we’ll still build the house; don’t you worry, Cas. I made you a promise, and I’m not about to break it. We’ll build that house with the swing on the front porch and the little garden in the backyard, and marble countertops in the kitchen. What do you think about marble countertops? That would be nice, right? And we’ll have kids, just like we planned. A boy and a girl. And a tree for each of them, so they can climb up and see the world, because the world will be beautiful again.”

He closed his eyes, and he could almost see it.

Dean looked at Cas’s wasted face. “You’re so beautiful, Cas,” he whispered. “I’d give the rest of my life to you if I could.” He smiled softly. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…”

 

 

 

**THREE**

 

Cas got out of bed three days later. The same day the repellent was supposed to wear off, and they didn’t have anything to replace it with.

It was the day they were going to die.

The croatoans sensed its weakening. They milled around the house, never too close, never too far. Always watching. Always waiting. Dean stayed by Cas’s side.

Around noon, although Dean couldn’t be exactly sure with the smoke filling the sky from the fires raging around them, Dean heard the drone of a plane approaching. An illogical spark of hope sprung up in Dean’s chest, and he looked at Cas, seeing the same hope reflected in his eyes. Maybe, just maybe, if the plane saw survivors, it would land. Maybe, just maybe, they would be saved.

Dean took Cas’s hand, supporting him as they rushed outside. Croatoans snarled and edged forward, but Dean and Cas stayed just beyond their reach, behind the barely holding line of repellent they had sprayed a few days before.

“Hey!” Dean yelled, waving his arm frantically as the plane grew larger and larger. “We’re down here!”

The plane kept flying, and hope turned to dread as the telltale whistle of dropping bombs reached their ears.

“Fuck,” Dean snapped. “Get inside, we have to get inside.” He practically carried Cas back into the house, barely making it inside before the bombs hit. The earth shook and the explosions rang in their ears. The bombs hadn’t hit them, but they were close enough that given a few hours to devour the dry wasteland, fire would be licking at the windows.

The government wasn’t rescuing survivors anymore. They were done with that. They’d rounded up whatever people they could and were bombing the hell out of the rest of the world.

 

 

 

**TWO**

 

The world around them was burning, going up in fireworks of red and bright yellow. Dean held Cas close against his chest, resting his chin on the too-thin shoulder in a mirror of Cas.

“We’re…we’re really going to die tonight, aren’t we?” Cas murmured, as the shadows of what once were people flitted around the house. Dean wondered if Samandriel was one of them. Or Adam. Or how Gabriel might have been, if Dean hadn’t shot him.

Cas didn’t sound sad, or angry, or afraid. Just tired, resigned to the inevitable. There was nowhere left to go, nothing left to do. The house couldn’t protect them any longer.

Dean planted a soft kiss in the crook of Cas’s neck and said nothing. The dying lights flickered once.

“Hm.” A soft, vaguely regretful smile curved Cas’s lips. Dean felt it against his shoulder. “At least we get to spend the rest of our lives together, just like we said we would.”

Memories. Hastily whispered vows in the ruins of a church. Cas, his cheeks slightly flushed, his radiant beauty more than making up for the tatters of his clothes. The makeshift ring, a few twisted bits of wire hammered carefully into shape. Soft promises.  _Forever yours. Forever mine. Forever, always, together._ Sam –  _oh, Sam_  – tackling them both with a hug when it was done. Dean seeing in his eyes amidst the happiness the wish that he’d gotten the chance to marry Gabriel too.

“I should’ve done more,” Dean said quietly. “I should’ve saved Sam, and Gabriel, and –”

He was cut off by a gentle kiss. “You did enough,” Cas murmured. “The world had to end sometime. It’s a pity we have to be around to see it, but hey. We don’t get to pick when we’re born.”

The sun slipped further down. Only a few more minutes now. Only a few more minutes until night, when the croatoans would be able to leave the shadows and enter the threshold. Only a few more minutes of life, of together.

Cas seemed to echo his thoughts. He smiled at Dean. “I love you.”

“And I love you.”

Cas’s teeth were white and his eyes so, so blue. It was almost painful how beautiful he was. “Sing to me, Dean. I want to dance with you.”

Dean put his forehead to Cas’s. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,” he sang softly, his right hand slipping from Cas’s back down to grasp his hand as they began swaying gently to the beat. “You make me happy when skies are grey. You never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine –”

He broke off. The sun had slipped below the horizon.

A wry smile broke across Cas’s face. “Even at the end of our lives, and we still can’t finish the damn song.”

The pounding started at the door.

Cas stiffened in Dean’s arms. “I don’t want to go like this,” he whispered. “I don’t want to become one of them.”

Dean kissed him gently. “Neither do I. And I never planned to. I’d rather die than live as one of them, and then at least we’ll be together again.” He was vaguely aware of how this is what Gabriel must have felt in his last moments of sanity. He reached behind him, fumbling for the drawer handle before pulling out two knives and handing one to Cas. The pounding on the door intensified, and he could hear guttural snarls. His heartbeat quickened. Panic crept into his voice. “Right, Cas? We’ll be together. There has to be something more after this life, so we…we can do this, together. Right? I…I made sure the knives were always here in case…in case…” He couldn’t find the words, so he kissed Cas instead, long and hard, memorizing his taste and smell even though there would only be a few moments of memory left for both of them.

“I love you,” Cas said again as they broke apart. His voice said “I love you” but his eyes said “I’m afraid.”

Dean held him close. “It’s going to be alright,” he murmured. “We’ll be together, no matter what. Us, Sam, Gabriel, Adam, Samandriel, Balthazar, Michael, Anna, and everyone we’ve ever loved, we’ll all be together again. And we can build our house, have our kids. We’ll be home again. There has to be something else after this, right?”

“I don’t want to see you go,” Cas whispered.

“You do it first. I’ll be right after,” Dean promised, kissing him again. It would hurt him, he knew, to see Cas’s blood spilling out in a bright river, but he would only have to suffer a few moments. He would be close behind. He promised.

A long pause. Then: “Okay.”

The door gave out.

“No!” It was too soon, all too soon, they were supposed to be dead before they came –

Croatoans spilled in, climbing over one another in their haste to reach them. Cas didn’t even flinch as their hands reached for him.

“Cas!” Dean was pulling him away, trying to pull Cas behind him, still trying to fight, but the croatoans’ grip on Cas was too strong. Dean felt bony hands on his shoulders pulling him back, felt teeth sinking into his flesh, felt his hold on Cas loosening. “Cas!” he screamed again.  _No, please, not yet, this wasn’t how it was supposed to go! Too soon, it was too soon, he wasn’t ready –_

“I love you,” Cas said, his voice calm, cutting through the snarls, bright as a flute through the storm. The croatoans were tearing at him and Dean could see the pain and fear in his eyes, but Cas did his best to stay strong. To stay strong for Dean, to make it easier for him.

“ _Cas!”_ He fought, because he knew Cas was going to die, but he didn’t want it to be like this. Please, not like this. Not with croatoans tearing at his beautiful body. Cas was supposed to die peacefully in his arms, surrounded by love, surrounded by warmth, finally safe in their burning world.

“I love you,” Cas repeated. “I love you so much. Follow me, okay? Promise me, Dean.”

“You know I will,” Dean wanted to say, but all that came out was another scream.

Cas gripped the knife and, in one smooth motion, slid it across his throat. Bright red blood spilled in a deadly smile as Cas fell back into the croatoans. Dean choked, even though he was the one with his throat still intact, he was the one not dead. “ _Cas! No, please –_ ” He lost his knife in the skull of a croatoan about to bite into his thigh.

The croatoans swarmed. Dean couldn’t find his knife. He couldn’t see Cas.  _No no no no, I don’t want to become one of them!_  He could feel it already. The change building in his blood. The croatoans around him snarled in triumph. He was Dean, and he was Gabriel, living both of their last moments.  _No, please! Anything, please, anything but this!_

His vision blurred. His thoughts began to cloud.  _You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t –_ Tears splashed, and he screamed. Was this Gabriel’s revenge, for not killing him before he changed? For not sparing him this pain?  _I want to die, Cas please –_

_“Sing to me, Dean. I want to dance with you.”_

He almost couldn’t remember how to form the words. Bloodlust began to take over, and he fought it as best he could. The croatoans had let go of him and stood back to watch the change take place. He doubled over in agony. He couldn’t find the knife.  _You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You never know, dear, how much I love you. Please –_ He kept screaming. He wasn’t going to die.  _Oh, Cas. I’m so, so sorry._

_“I love you.”_

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take –_

He ceased to think.

 

 

**ONE**

Dean never saw the seven words carved into the wall next to the bed they had shared before the fire consumed them. Seven words, carved when Dean had gone out and told Cas to stay behind. Carved when Cas had prayed Dean would come home safe to him.

_Forever yours. Forever mine. Forever, always, together._

 

**ZERO**

 

Some humans, scattered in various places around the world, found each other and tried to form defensive communities. Some succeeded. Some where hunted down by croatoans. The lucky survivors, the ones the government had found and brought in, were gathered in the capitol. The government never found a cure. It started to rebuild, starting a small colony with the less than five hundred thousand people remaining.

Adam Winchester was one of them.

Michael Novak was another.

Within ten years, the government had rebuilt a small city, impervious to croatoans. It left the rest of the world burning.

 

 

 

**EPILOGUE**

 

The sun was bright and warm. It was spring, and the flowers had just begun to blossom. The earth was starting to heal from the bombs, and the flowers were among the first to come. The shell of an old car sat, rusted and still, falling apart, covered in dust and weeds. Faded license plates read KAZ 2Y5. A corner of the front plate had broken off, taking a bit of the 5 with it. The back plate dangled from one screw.

Behind the car stood the ruins of a house that had burned long ago. There was no roof left; not even its remains littered the ground. It had burnt to ash and had been carried away by the wind. Some of the outer walls still clung to structure, crumbling but still upright; a valiant effort in preserving the memory of things long gone.

A lone figure stood outside the house for a long time. It would make to take a step forward before second-guessing itself and holding back. No, not second-guessing. It couldn’t think that rationally. Perhaps it was fear. Regardless, it almost an hour before it finally stepped over the threshold of what used to be the front door and entered the house.

The figure picked its way carefully through the ruins. Its hair was probably once light brown and now hung past its shoulders, matted and grimy, streaked with the gray of three long decades it hadn't planned on. It was wearing tattered clothes that barely covered its body, but it was possible, if one looked hard enough through the dirt and grime and holes, to make out that they were once jeans, a leather jacket, and a collared shirt. The leather jacket was missing its left sleeve and the shirt had torn at the elbow. It wore no shoes, and it held an old pair of engraved scissors in its left hand.

The figure stopped in the middle of the first room. It stood still, tilting its head as if confused, as if it was trying to figure something out. Trying to remember something. For once, blood wasn’t the only thing on its mind. It looked at the scissors in its hand and seemed to flinch in slow-motion, its eyes squeezing shut and its face drawing back. A minute later, it opened its eyes again and looked at the charred bones by its feet.

Slowly, its voice hoarse and faint, its mouth struggling to form the shape, pronunciation garbled and tongue thick, it said one word.

“Castiel.”

It looked at the scissors again. “S…Sam.”

The figure sank to its knees. “Dean,” it mumbled, as if in a daze. “Sam…Dean…Castiel…Win-Winchet –” It frowned slightly and tried again. “Win…che…ster.” It looked at the bones on the ground in front of it again. “Dean…Casti…Cas.  _Cas_. Dean love. Cas. Dean love Cas.”

The figure felt something wet on its cheek and wiped it away. It was crying. It didn’t understand why. “Dean love Cas,” it repeated, not understanding the words. It looked at a knife laying on the ground beside it and picked it up. “Dean love Cas,” it said again, and, expression blank, sank the knife between its ribs. Its breath left its lungs in a soft huff. The scissors clattered to the ground.

There was going to be nothing after death. The figure, somehow, deep in the shattered remains of its mind, knew this. There is no hope for a magical afterlife, for a magical reincarnation. A human soul is nothing more than a collection of cells, molecules, atoms, vibrating just the right way to make a heart beat, to make the brain hold memories. The soul ceases to exist upon death.

So sometimes, the figure knew, heartbeats and memories had to be good enough.

 

“Sing to me, Dean. I want to dance with you.”

The figure smiled and closed its eyes. It saw a blue-eyed angel. It fell over into the dust.

 

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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